Emotional

Once upon a time there was a little girl that had a very bad temper, but she didn’t let everyone see it. At school she was very kind, used to get comments on her daily reports that she was too nice, too helpful and too talkative. However, at home, or with those she had no patience, the evil side came out at different times. She would bite her sister, stomp off in anger, punch or kick things and sometimes not talk to people. Although she had had the desire to do what was good, she did not carry it out all the time. She was too nice (sometimes), mean (sometimes), frustrated ball of energy. 

Yes, that little girl was me. Sometimes still is me, but I’ve learned over the years to control my niceness and anger. It’s taken me years of practice, and believe it or not my family would claim I’m still pretty mean, which is partially true. And when I first read today’s scripture, after Ryan told me the month’s theme of “seeing God in the little things,” I had no clue where to go with today’s message. I reached out to my friends, even posted a message on Facebook, looking for inspiration and clarity. I’ll share some of what they said in a bit, but as I let the scripture stew for a bit I knew the best thing to do was to tell a story. Hence, the story of the mean and nice little girl and how she grew to see God in the little things. How seeing Him has helped her manage her emotions; the good and the bad. 

As a child, teenager and young adult I struggled with my emotions. I didn’t know where to channel them. If I were sad I’d be really sad. Mad . . . very mad. Content . . . well then just that, content. But the one that controlled my mind the most was my anger. I would want to tell someone exactly what I was thinking. Have you ever had a moment like that? If you have, I want you to think about what stopped you. Was it that you’d hurt someone’s feelings? You knew you’d feel bad later? Knew you’d just sound hateful? For me, I would either say it or shut down completely. It was this inner battle I didn’t know how to deal with or escape. I didn’t have an in between; didn’t know how to constructively put my frustration into words that got right to the point without hurting someone. Didn’t know how to get out what I wanted to say, so there were times I’d hold it all in which only led to me being sad. To say the least, it was an extremely difficult time of my life. 

I want us to read two verses of today’s scripture. “22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me . . .” This was me. Internally my mind was waging a war against me. Do right. Don’t do right. Say right. Don’t say right. Be right. Don’t be right. Maybe you don’t know these feelings; never experienced this waging war within yourself. If you haven’t God has blessed you abundantly. If you have, you know exactly what I mean.

If you’ve heard any of my messages before you know God wasn’t always with me, as in I wouldn’t have called myself a Christian or a disciple. I grew up partially in a church, attending with my grandmother, but it wasn’t a focus of my parents. I didn’t know scripture. Couldn’t have named a church within a ½ mile of my house. Pastor Ryan told us last week that God is always with us, but I’m telling you at this time of my life God wasn’t with me. If anything, God was looking down at me saying, “Girl you’re a hot mess. How long are you going to live your life this way?” You see, I didn’t know he was with me and didn’t recognize I was living my life in a way I could escape. 

So, I continued to wear my emotions on my sleeve and sometimes on my face (not my best characteristic). Do you know someone who wears their emotions on their face? It’s both a hoot and a bit ridiculous. When my face wasn’t saying how I felt my mouth was. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. And if it was then my sleeve and face were full. My arms were heavy and my face was like an overblown balloon. Once again, another way the war waging inside of me. 

This lifestyle of mine continued on into college, which resulted in an ulcer and the beginning of my migraines. This lifestyle of mine continued on into my marriage and motherhood. The ulcer by then was gone, but the migraines were still there. Where was God? I didn’t think he was with me, but my first year of teaching he knocked on my world so hard I couldn’t help but see him. My world was flipped upside down with a pending divorce, sick friend, toddler and multiple jobs. I met someone who brought me to this church almost 18 years ago. This was the first time the nice girl inside of me, the one who finally found delight in God’s law, recognized the war waging inside of me, against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me . . .” 

For me, my sin was my both anger and silence. It repeatedly took me to a dark place. I won’t say my situation was me finding God in the little things, because I found him in a deep canyon. Maybe some of you have been there and know what I mean. Maybe you already had a relationship with God but still found yourself in the canyon. This was just the beginning for me. Although I now knew he was with me, my battles weren’t over yet. Seeing God in the little things was like looking for a needle in a haystack; know what I mean? 

Fast forward to me 28 and divorced, only three years after finding this church. The war wagging inside of me was now manifesting into anxiety, although I wouldn’t have been able to name it at the time. I had to get control of my emotions and life. But how does one do that when their in the canyon? For me it began the more I got involved at Maize. I attended bible studies, Friday Night Live, Hospitality Night with families, participated in the Easter Egg Hunt, and on and on. I even became a member of Maize Manor! Whaaaaat? Yep, that’s right. I became a member of the church. The once mean, nice, frustrated ball of energy joined a church. And what I found was that my God, the one I didn’t know as a child or teen, couldn’t find as a college student or young adult (and by young adult I mean early twenties), was with me all the time. Had been with me all along. 

I found peace in my life as a Christian. I found a place for my anger; a place for my madness; a place for my sadness; a place for my anxiety; a place for my sleeve and face of emotions. 

No longer was I alone, although in reality I was never alone. And by this I don’t mean because I found God, but because I had family and friends who were always part of my life. But in my darkest times, when “my inner being was delighting in God’s law; but there was another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me . . .” I wasn’t alone. The sweet joy that realization gave me also allowed me to see God in the little things. 

Seeing God in the teacher who is making my emotional face work overtime. 

Seeing God in the beauty of a sunrise and sunset. 

Seeing God in the smiles of my students. 

Seeing God when I left my boy in NYC. 

Seeing God in the decision I made and comfort I felt with it.

Seeing God in a stranger’s smile. 

Seeing God in my moments pre-anxiety. 

Seeing God in the innocence of a child. 

Seeing God in my sisters’ smiles. 

Seeing God in nature. 

Seeing God in the passing of my mother.

Seeing God in all of you. 

So today, I encourage you to know that God is with you, whether you’re in a canyon or your living room.  Know that God has always been with you since before you were born, even if you couldn’t find him. 

Know that God is in the big and small things, but whatever it took you to find him in the big now look for him in the small. 

Author: Erica Dodson