Dream Sequence

Towards the end of last year I reached out to an ex-beau. Not just any ex-beau but THE ex-beau. The one I thought I would marry. The one I compared every other guy against. The one I secretly waited to choose me while I dated other men. You see where this is going.

It was a brief high level conversation about what’s happening in our lives. We haven’t seen each other in years and we don’t keep in contact outside of an occasional birthday text. I ended our situationship several years ago, I don’t follow him on social media and I don’t speak of him to our mutual friends. 

That hasn’t stopped me from spending way to much time thinking of every scenario that would lead to us possibly running into each other and what I would say when we did. Our eyes would connect from across the room and I would finally hear him say “I’m sorry that instead of celebrating anniversaries we barely celebrate birthdays”. It’s good right?! I would explain “ I have loved you since I was 17 but ultimately I had to love me more”. It gets better, and more dramatic, but you get the picture.

We came close to actually meeting in person. As the universe would have it, we were both planning on being in the same city over Thanksgiving. I put it on him to reach out while in town so we could connect. He never called. I wasn’t surprised.

My therapist once told me that when we dream of a conversation oftentimes the person saying all the things we wish we could hear in real life, represents us. So essentially, in my dream, I am him saying what I need to hear to move on. But in reality, we will probably never have this conversation. Our closure is a big The End, blank stare and a whole lot of silence. And that’s okay because, as whispered to myself in my dreams, by the man I will always love but ultimately had to let go of, I had to love me more.

The End.

Author: Cherrón